Just Back Off!
by LadyLoki89
Summary: In an attempt to put an end to his mortal's complaints that occur once a month every month, Loki decides to experience first hand one of the worst parts of being a woman, hoping to prove she is simply exaggerating.


**Author's Note:** This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I have ever written, but it was received surprisingly well on Tumblr, so I decided to post it here as well. Enjoy!  
**Summary:** After growing tired of hearing his mortal complain about that time of the month, Loki decides to experience it first-hand in order to prove to her that she's exaggerating.

* * *

**Just Back Off!**

I sighed, staring in the mirror as I massaged my pelvis. "You know... the cramps and fatigue are obnoxious enough," I groaned. "But the bloating is just adding insult to injury."

From the bed, Loki raised an eyebrow. "I have never been more aroused by you than I am at this very moment," he stated sarcastically.

"Oh, just back off," I sighed, turning to face him. "I know you're naturally an asshole, but would it be too much to ask for a little sympathy?"

"You're right," he said, sitting upwards and leaning forward, his features softening. "I'm terribly sorry something that happens to you once a month, every month, that you've dealt with for several years already and should be used to by now, is still somehow too much for you to handle."

I snarled, reaching for a pillow to smack him with. "Like you would do any better, drama queen!"

"And what exactly does that mean?" he asked, looking as though he were about to be offended.

"Please, you are one of the worst over-reactors I've ever known. If you had half the hormones running through your body that I do right now, you'd crumble within minutes."

"Is that a challenge?" he asked, staring at me as though he were actually considering it.

"No," I answered.

"Oh, I believe it was," he stated standing up. "And I accept it, if only to prove to you that every month you make a big deal out of nothing and maybe to finally gain your silence on the matter."

"What?" I asked. Rather than answering, he closed his eyes, straining slightly as he used all his focus for a few moments. When he opened his eyes and relaxed, I looked him over in confusion. "You didn't do anything..."

"Didn't I?" he asked. Grabbing hold of his pajama pants, he tugged them down briefly and my eyes widened.

"Is that a-"

"It is!" he snapped, tugging his pants back up.

"So then you...?"

"I did."

I blinked several times, my jaw dropping. "Why?!"

"I believe I explained myself clearly," he said, crossing his arms. "To prove once and for all who is truly the over-reactor."

Turning to the door, he marched off, leaving me to stand there in disbelief. "What just happened?"

The next morning as we sat at the breakfast table, I looked up from my bowl of cereal to ask him, "So how's the uterus?"

Thor's head jerked upwards, raising an eyebrow as he looked to me and then to his brother. Beside him, Jane gave me a strange look.

"It's wonderful, thanks for asking," Loki replied in an arrogant manner.

"Any mood swings yet?"

"None. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm perfectly sane."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far," Jane muttered, averting her eyes to her breakfast and refusing to look up.

"You enjoying having to sit down to pee?"

Thor's spoon clattered with his bowl and I held back a laugh.

"It's an adjustment..." Loki answered with a cringe.

With a groan, Thor shook his head, picking up his bowl of cereal. "Whatever it is you two are up to, I want no part of it." Standing up, he pushed his chair back in place before making his way out of the dining room with his bowl.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To eat my breakfast somewhere far away from this conversation."

As he left, Loki returned his gaze to me, narrowing his eyes. "I know what you're doing, and it won't work."

"Uh-huh..." I muttered.

"I will win this," he said stubbornly.

"Win what? What exactly are you guys doing?" Jane asked.

I shrugged and turned to her. "Loki thinks I'm exaggerating... once a month every month..."

"Oh!" she said, with a knowing nod.

"So he conjured himself up a couple of lady parts to prove a point."

At this, Jane's head spun to Loki, her eyes wide with shock and her jaw dropping. "What?!"

"And I will prove once and for all that you've been exaggerating all this time," he stated.

"Wait..." Jane interrupted before I could say anything. "You mean... right now... you're a woman down there?"

"In a manner," he replied with a nod.

"And you're doing this so you can see what a menstrual cycle's really like?"

"Pretty much," I answered for him.

Thinking it over for a few moments, Jane sat back, seeming conflicted. "Huh..." she muttered.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing... it's just... now I kind of wish all men could do that."

"I could assist with Thor," Loki replied with a wicked grin.

"Do not come near me, Brother!" Thor shouted from down the hall.

A few weeks rolled by, and despite the obvious bizarre nature of the situation, things continued normally as they always did. Loki's behavior seemed to hardly be affected by his new form, though once or twice he snapped at me over something trivial. Soon, I almost forgot he'd even done anything to begin with.

And then it happened.

I woke up, feeling a familiar ache in my pelvis and I groaned, rolling out of bed and reaching for the pain killers. Just as I forced open the lid, I heard a groan emit from the bed, looking over to see Loki turn over, wrapped up in the bed sheets as he curled into the fetal position.

"Something's wrong..." he groaned.

"Hmm?" I hummed, popping the pills in my mouth.

"I'm in pain..." he grumbled. "And I feel as though my body's been trampled..." Sitting up and massaging his pelvic region he looked up to me, appearing quite grumpy. "Send for a healer. I believe I'm ill."

"You don't need a healer," I said with a smirk, crossing the room to open a drawer.

"I told you I am not well!" he snapped. "Now do as I say!"

"And I told you, you don't need one." Fishing through the door I pulled out a pad and turned, tossing it to him. "Congratulations, today you become a woman."

A few hours later, we both planted ourselves on the couch, watching a movie as we took turns, pulling pieces of chocolate out of the bag I'd bought in bulk. "You endure THIS every month?" he groaned, his head laying in my lap as he unwrapped another piece of chocolate.

"Every month," I replied. "How's it feel?"

"Miserable... though this chocolate is comforting."

"It always is," I replied with a smile, stroking his hair. "The heating pad should help with the pain," I added, pointing to it on the coffee table. He reached over, grunting with discomfort as he asked, "What time is it."

I checked my watch. "It's a few minutes after 2. Why?"

"We can take some more of that pain medication then," he replied.

"Awesome. Go get it."

"Upstairs?" he asked. "You fetch it."

"I'm not getting up," I groaned.

"Neither am I."

Looking at each other, we smiled in understanding, and turned our heads to the hall. "THOR!" we called in unison. "THOR!"

"I grow weary of your laziness!" Thor called as he stomped down the hall. "Whatever it is, get it yourselves!"

"You've no idea how much pain we're in!" Loki snapped.

"I'm so sorry that asking the god of thunder to climb the stairs for a bottle of pills is just too much to ask!" I shouted.

"All right!" Thor roared, moving towards the stairs as Loki and I continued to lose our tempers with him.

"Oh sure, take THAT tone why don't you!" I shouted.

"If you had any idea what this was like, you wouldn't treat us like a burden!" came Loki's voice.

Thor returned, handing me the bottle as he grumbled, "There! Hopefully this will satisfy you so that you'll leave me alone!"

"I'm sorry," I sighed, opening the bottle. "I don't mean to be such a pain in the ass... I just can't help it."

"It's these damn hormones..." Loki whimpered. "I've been going back and forth between angry and depressed all day... And these cramps... This is misery!"

"Oh god... look how fat I look!" I whined, poking at my stomach. "Why do we have to bloat?! Why?! It's just mean!"

"Oh for heaven's sake, it's happening to me too!" Loki cried, looking down at himself. "And that's all I needed... to feel even more unattractive!" He choked, throwing his head back in frustration and I massaged his temples. "I can't remember the last time I felt this miserable."

"You cannot be serious!" Thor snapped. "You can't remember the last time you've felt this miserable? What about the time you faced the Hulk? Or when Agent Coulson hit you in the chest with a nuclear powered weapon? Or-"

Before he could continue, Loki was on his feet. "Is that all I am to you?!" he cried. "One big failure after another?! Well thanks for the reminder, Brother! It's nice to know where I stand!" With that he stormed up the stairs and Thor turned to me, looking baffled.

"I did not mean..." he stammered and I got to my feet.

"Hormones," I said, patting him on the shoulder, before heading up the stairs to calm Loki.

It was a long week, filled with drama and frustration, but once it was finally over and Loki was back to his normal self, I was relieved to know he had at least a new found respect for me. When another month rolled by and the day came that I woke once again with that tell tale pain, I was pleasantly surprised to find that some time in the night Loki had placed a fresh bottle of pain killers along with a bag of chocolate on the night stand with a bow on it.

"Aww..." I said with a smile, and behind me I felt Loki scoot closer, spooning me as he reached down to massage my aching pelvis.

"You are not to set one foot out of this bed today," he whispered, kissing my shoulder. "From now on, I promise to take better care of you."

Twisting around to kiss him, I whispered, "Thank you."


End file.
